


drown it in the sink

by Anonymous



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 13:04:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14770163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The moment you saw him, you thought 'oh, this could be a problem'.





	drown it in the sink

**01.**

The end has always been there, looming over you, long before anything has even begun.

 

**02**.

The moment you saw him, you thought _'oh, this could be a problem'_. As it quickly turned out, it was a problem. _He_ was a problem. Or maybe it was just you. Or maybe the problem was the two of you _together_ , starting this little game of yours - a thousand little games - even though you knew perfectly well that there's no way you'll end up winning.

 

**03.**

Things that were yours: all the lingering glances. All the light and accidental touches. All the carefully planned and choreographed brushes of your hands against his. His dark gaze on your body. All your fantasies. All your wishful thinking. All the playful remarks, all the bets, all the private jokes. His words, heavy with meaning and intent that you played off as a joke. All the times he confided in you. Your helpfulness and his hopelessness. Your frustration and anger, his terrible jokes. Your snarky remarks and his patience. Your secrets and his carelessness. The quiet way in which you understood each other. The way you instantly clicked together and that it all felt so simple and natural. How all the poems and songs and books made sense. How you couldn't stop listening to sad songs.

 

**04.**

Things that you never had and will never have: another chance. Honesty. Time. His lips pressed against yours. A moment in time when you can just be alone, a moment when you don't have to be afraid, when you don't have to be suspicious, when you're not busy or in a hurry, when you don't have to think about all the possible outcomes and consequences. Lazy Saturday mornings, sleepy kisses, arguments about all those stupid and mundane things. A future together.

 

**05.**

Maybe that's what you are and ever will be: the potential of things that never happened.

 

**06.**

He is going to get over that, whatever the two of you had. He will. He has to.

Because if he doesn't, there's no hope for you.

'One day I will have to leave, you know. That's how this works.'

'Nah. You'll never leave it. You'll never leave me.'

His tone was light and playful, and you snorted in response, murmured _'oh, you wish'_ , but deep down inside you were afraid that he was right: that you will never be able to leave him, that a part of him will stick to you and you won't be able to shake him off, to forget, to get free of him. You were afraid that no matter how much you try, he will always be there, in the back of your mind, in the deepest and darkest corner of your heart, that part that you hide from yourself.

As it turns out, you were right to fear that.

 

**07.**

Sometimes you think that you're not the only one who feels that way. It's stupid, you know, but you can't help but think that he might feel something for you. That maybe his words are not _just_ words, that they have meaning, that there's something hidden in them, deep inside and you will find what you're looking for if you're careful and patient enough.

But in those moments you remember that this is not how it works: there are hope and stupidity and there are facts and truths and while the first ones are lovely and warm your heart, you know it's far better and safer to stick to the sensible bitterness of reality.

 

**08.**

You've made your choice. Things end and you know it's high time, and you know that you have to leave, because your sanity and peace of mind are far more important than whatever wild daydream you want to believe.

 

**09.**

'No, you can't leave. You're not leaving, I am not letting you go. I am not letting this happen. Listen, it will change. Just tell me what you want. I will do it. I will- Just give me time.'

'I don't have time,' you say tiredly.

'No,' he shakes his head. 'Please-'

You shake your head and hope that he won't notice your tears.

You've had this conversation a thousand of times - sure, all the versions of it happened only in your head - but he's never sounded so earnest and desperate in any of them.

That worries you.

If he says anything more, you may start to believe that he actually gives a damn.

 

**10.**

It'd be so much easier to leave if he just let it go. If he just let you go. But he doesn't. He tries and pokes, and probes and he starts doing things and by doing that, he starts your undoing.

A part of you hates him for that. Why complicate things? Why complicate everything for a small, pointless, useless thing that never was and never will be? Wouldn't it just be easier to forget and give up, and let you leave?

Wouldn't it be simply kinder to tell you to fuck off instead of giving you hope?

 

**11.**

'Don't leave. Not just now. It's not the right time. You can't leave. You can't leave him. Not now. Not just yet. It's going to break him. It's going to break his heart.'

But what about you? And what about your heart?

Somehow, no one thinks about that.

 

**12.**

You run into a friend of his.

'What happened?' He asks and you just shrug, because you know he'll hear the strain in your voice.

'What happened?' He repeats and you sigh.

'Nothing happened,' you finally say. 'Really, nothing happened. I just took matters into my own hands. That's all.'

The guy looks at you and his eyes are full of warmth and sadness. Sadness for whom you don't know.

'Did he complain to you?' You ask and try to sound sarcastic, but end up sounding sick with worry.

'No, he didn't. He… He understands you,' the guy responds and you can see that there are more things he wants to say, but he hesitates, like they're not his secrets to share, not his confessions to make.

'All the things he's doing right now… You're the sole reason for it,' he says quietly as you part ways.

You open your mouth, but nothing comes out and once again your left alone with fucking hope blooming in your heart.

And hope is not something you can rely on any longer.

 

**13.**

You must admit: it is quite a seductive feeling, knowing that you're a reason for him trying and changing. It's heady and dangerous, it makes you feel powerful.

It makes you want to draw blood.

It makes you want to see what else he's willing to do for you. You want to push him harder, push him farther, until he's lost and you're his only rescue.

 

**14.**

A part of you wants him to keep on trying. A part of him wants him to want you, to long for you, to never let you go.

Idle dreams.

It won't happen like that. He's pragmatic, this much you know. Soon he will see that no matter how much he tries, he won't succeed. Or maybe he will realise that it's not worth it. That _you're not worth it_. He'll take a step back. He will give up. He will let you go.

And soon after that, he will forget you.

Well, not completely, of course not. He will remember that someone like you was in his life, but he will forget bits and pieces that made you _you_. That would be for the best, you know that. And yet, and still, you dare to hope that even if he gives up, he still won't be able to forget you. That you'll be the one who got away. That until the end of his days he will think about you in a _what if_ fashion. That a part of him will never get over you, just like you know that a part of you will never get over him.

 

**15.**

Your time together is running out. You know that. And even though you know you've made the right choice, you're so scared.

You're scared that you'll miss him, that he will miss you, or worse: that he won't. You're scared that his pride won't let him call you or that your pride will stop you from picking up his calls. You're scared that he will forget. You're scared that you'll realise he was not worth it, it was not worth it, that you've wasted years of your life and that you'll never get them back.

You're scared that you'll never feel anything like that again.

You're scared that you're walking away from something worth fighting for.

 

**16.**

And yet, you walk away.


End file.
